 |
| my dad and I in Seattle, Washington |
When a parent has dementia, it completely changes their personality. They go through different stages. If you read books on the subject, you will probably recognize the behaviors. It's very helpful to learn about other people's experiences with it. No one thinks it's going to happen to them, but it is all too common in the elderly. I actually sometimes wonder if it is a natural stage of life, like puberty or menopause.
One of the most stressful parts of having a parent with dementia is dealing with the denial around you. The wives and daughters are usually the most in tune. Others may refuse to believe that it's happening, and make excuses for the erratic and unpredictable behavior of your parent. Unfortunately, as time passes, it gets worse.
The personality gradually changes. Sometimes the eyes go blank. A normally sensitive and caring individual might display a lack of empathy, or they could form an extreme attachment to a new friend or love interest. They might latch on to a family member, and obsess about them. Inconsiderate behavior is common. Angry outbursts, verbal attacks, and unkind insults may occur.
Women with dementia will often revert to acting like teen aged girls. They can become catty, or preoccupied with their looks. (especially if they were the beauty queens when they were young.) Many will put down others, yet act like they still possess the youth and beauty of movie starlets. They will often lash out at the people who are the most loyal and honest, saving their worst behavior for them. Many become swept away by those who will exploit them. They can't see what's obvious to a whole person.
Elder abuse usually happens within the family. It is often committed by in laws and those who are caretakers. Power of attorney can sometimes whirl into a nightmare, if the person who holds it gets drunk on the possibilities. These final decisions in life are so important, and can wreak havoc in a family when put into the wrong hands. Sometimes it's better to choose a fiduciary, rather than a family member. This way your wishes will be executed, and not changed or ignored.
Thank you for your comments. They add so much talent and energy to the blog. Please comment in English. I'm sorry, but comments with links will not be published. If you enjoy the posts here, please share them.
Dementia is such a cruel condition, and is especially sad for those who witness the decline of a loved one and the changes of behaviour involved.
ReplyDeleteThat is a lovely photograph of you and your dad. X
Thanks Jules. It is sad and painful to experience.
DeleteYes, my mother had the early stages of dementia, brought on, in her case, by a stroke that affected the language center of her brain - she had to learn to read and write, again, but, often, couldn't fully comprehend what she was reading. Then, she would start forgetting - she'd forget she opened the tap and suddenly realize that the water was running and would call me at work to say that the tap started running on its own and she can't turn it off. Or, she'd forget how to turn on a switch. Sometimes, she'd forget who I was. It was heartbreaking. And, yes, her personality changed, too. She used to also have Sundowner Syndrome - I used to dread the evenings. It was a scary time for us, as I didn't quite understand what was going on. Our roles reversed, in a way, as I became her caregiver and she became more and more dependent on me. I miss my mother, still, but I don't miss those days of feeling utterly overwhelmed with what was going on.
ReplyDeleteYou raise good points about power of attorney and so forth. These are things we all need to consider, now, while we still can!
HI Bless, You described perfectly the kinds of things that happen. Sometimes people don't realize what's happening. Thanks for sharing your story.
DeleteI love the photo of you and your dad. It’s so sweet.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Nil. I remember that day. It was so exciting to ride on the merry go round.
DeleteThat is a lovely photo of you and your dad. It is comforting to remember the happy times when you are facing turmoil. I keep a close watch on my soon to be 91 year old father and so far, so good on his mental state. But he does forget words from time to time and often loses his train of thought.
ReplyDeleteThanks Anita. It wasn't always obvious with my dad. Most of the time, he seemed just fine. You had to really know him.
DeleteYou were such a cutie...and I can still see the little girl in you! You are a wonderful, caring daughter. These are hard issues, and now that people live longer they are getting more common. I just hope I can live on my own till the end! Andrea
ReplyDeleteThanks Andrea. They are hard issues. You are right about people living longer. I hope you can live on your own until the end, too. My dad did until the three weeks that he had hospice care at home.
DeleteHow to describe it?
ReplyDeleteOne specific line on my maternsl side suffers an epidemic of this condition
that we can trace back 3 generations.
Sadly, now my older cousin has also been diagnosed.
It is heartbreaking to watch the onset and the ensuing destruction, physically and emotionally devastating for the family and primary caregivers...a 24/7 job with no respite for many.
Constant worry and small and large disasters to sort out. There are rounds of doctor/hospital visits with conflicting information and levels of concern.
It can be not only financially draining, but ruinous to many families to deal with.
During certain stages it can be physically dangerous for the carers, especially since many are aging partners with their own health concerns.
It's a horror and through it all you watch someone you love slowly disappear.
And then there are the financial aspects that you mention. It can all be so ugly and sordid.
It's overwhelming on many fronts.
Hi jill, I'm sorry that you have gone through such pain with family members and dementia. My father had a rare form of blood cancer, so he didn't go through the extremes that some people do.
DeleteThere are hard decisions for families to make. My own family had no pattern of making decisions together, and we found that we really couldn't do it on behalf of our parents. There were too many sibling issues involved. It is a very hard and sad time. Hugs to you
ReplyDeleteearthmotherwithin, It is very hard when people don't agree. All kinds of conflicts can develop. Thanks for your honesty.
DeleteI am so so sorry. Your message on my blog stopped my heart for a second. My mother had dementia, I felt like it was a very slow death for her. I Grieved the loss of her for years. Your are in my kindest thoughts.
ReplyDeleteHi Mereknits, I'm sorry that your mother had dementia. That must have been very painful to watch and experience.
Delete