Perseverance

This morning I continued working on a shawl that I have been making. I brought it with me to the last few knitting groups that I attended. Although I had an enjoyable time socially, I messed up the count, and had to backtrack a few rows once I got home. When you have over 160 stitches on the needles, it can be aggravating to work in reverse.

As I was sitting on my couch, counting, losing count, recounting, and getting confused again, I entertained the thought of just frogging the whole project. My ego kicked in: "This fingering weight yarn is too fine, it keeps slipping off the needles, I made another mistake," and on and on. I started criticizing the yarn, deciding that it was a poor choice, even though I had loved the way it looked on Ravelry in the finished projects. I started to hate it. 

Cinderella pumpkin seedling pushing through the soil

  
 


   Feeling frustrated and inept, like I had never knit anything before, I began to blame. This pattern had been so much easier when I used worsted weight yarn that was a mixture of llama and silk. I had sailed through it that time.  In spite of my cesspool of negative thinking, I just stuck with it, and thought about how dancers rehearse. With choreography, we constantly go back and clean, and fix our mistakes. It's part of the work. It's part of being an artist. You don't whine or gripe, you just complete the task  professionally, and with a positive attitude, until it's right.

I finally found a few other mistakes. They were yarn overs. I had created two different centers.   Once I removed one of them, my count was correct. The tiny stitches are kind of a strain on my vision. I reinserted markers. I had gotten frustrated with how they were pulling the cotton/acrylic yarn out of shape, and had removed them.  They make all the difference. I will complete this shawl. It might not be the best choice of a project to bring to a group, because the stitches are hard to see. Something repetitive, like a sock, would be easier. I am determined to finish it, though. I want to see how the colors play out with the pattern.

Now it's on to work on an obituary I'm doing on a famous ballerina. I met her at my aunt's house when I was thirteen. I am struggling with this one, because she seemed so perfect. I feel like what I write won't do her justice. In spite of that, I need to plow forward and show up at the page. By putting in the time and energy, the right words will find themselves. Somehow, fixing that shawl, and not giving up on it, helps me to continue with the writing project. Perfectionism gets you nowhere. Sometimes things have to be messy and sloppy for a while, before they fall into place. 

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